Monthly Archives: November 2009

I need money (cont.)

Things have gone from bad to worse with my car problems. I basically no longer have one that works. So now I need to buy another car. I’m excited to buy a new car, but not so happy about taking on debt without a steady job. Although, I continue to tell myself that working at Starbucks should at least cover my car payment if I don’t have any support lined up for next year. All these problems though are a STRONG stimulus to write. And I will say I have been doing that. I guess fear of poverty is stronger then fear of scrutiny. Like a Marxist, I must say that access to capital has guided my actions and writing possibilities. I know that’s a simplistic view of Marx, but I am so stressed and that’s all I can muster.

My goal is to have a rough draft of a chapter before I leave for Thanksgiving break. I am now in work mode.

I need money

I have strewn fear as a theme through my brief postings on this blog thus far. Fear has really kept me from writing at the volume necessary to complete my dissertation. Now, I have a new problem or emotion or feeling of desire. Principally a desire for money. Not lots of money, just enough money. Enough money to buy a small house and reasonable furniture. I also want to settle down, get married and have a baby. Easier said then done. But, my most immediate concern is a car and purchasing a new (to me) one. I think this feeling of wanting (enough) money and stability will act enough of a motivating factor to make me write. I will say that I did write about two pages on Friday and I’m moving forward from there. Yikes!

And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger. –Audre Lorde

I think Audre Lorde summed up the problem with writing for me. I feel like I’m exposing my insides, my very soul, to scrutiny and criticism. And the fear comes from the fear of being rejected – not the information on the page, but my insides. Writing is just so personal. It also doesn’t help that I read other academic books and become intimidated by their fancy sentences and their extensive citations. But I have been writing. I wrote about a page yesterday. I sat down to do some writing today and of course my dad called just as I was putting pen to paper. We talked for 21 minutes. Then I decided to update this blog and now I’m getting back into the zone.

On not being afraid to fail

I presented at a conference this passed weekend and it went pretty well if I do say so myself. The real test is coming up at my large disciplinary conference toward the end of the year. I am super nervous for that! I went to these last two conferences as test runs though. Right now I’m working on this conference paper, a dissertation chapter and a class syllabus. I was working on my dissertation chapter yesterday evening and was almost near tears. I need to go back and try again today and just let myself write. I also need to stop being afraid to fail. I am terrified of producing a whole bunch of crap and it never being good. But I really just need to go ahead and write it. So today that is what I will be doing – not being afraid to fail.