Dreams of My Advisor

My advisor and I don’t have the best relationship, but it’s not the worst either. Toward the end of my years in grad school s/he basically checked out. S/he wouldn’t read anything until about two weeks before my defense and s/he didn’t give me any advice about the job market. Towards the end of grad school I saw the differential treatment between me and hir other students through conversations I would have with these other students whose committees s/he chaired. Anyway, I don’t look back fondly on working with my advisor and really I’m happy to be free from hir. So you can imagine my surprise about having a dream with hir in it last night. I dreamt that we were in a car and I was in the back seat. I’m not sure if s/he was driving or who was driving. We were talking and I said that I missed having my meeting with hir at the beginning of the semester. But I was only saying that because I thought it would be a nice thing to say, not because I meant it. Then, hir eyes got a little teary and s/he hugged me and then I got out of the car.

If I was on television or a character in a novel maybe that would signal the closure of a relationship that dominates my current thoughts and that almost infuriates me when it comes to mind. I really wish it was closure because I’m pretty sure that I spend way more time thinking about hir then s/he does thinking about me. I should just take the cue from my dream and get over it. However, at the moment I need to email my advisor for a letter of recommendation for a program, so clearly my interactions with hir continue. Part of me fears that this dream signals not the closure of the tense part of our interactions, but foresees a continuation of my acquiescence to hir shenanigans in order to make hir feel better.

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